Tag Archives: sad panda

09.06 :: fearful

6 Sep

Friday, September 6: A story about a time you were very afraid.

Not so much a story. An ongoing fear. One of many.

There comes a time in most marriages, usually when your baby is nearing the year and a half mark, when the discussion of a new addition comes in. I very much want Avery to have siblings. I’ve mentioned this a few times. People have started asking us when we are having the next one (nosy, nosy).

But I am afraid. Afraid of trying and not being successful. Afraid of being successful and then losing another baby. I’m afraid of the feelings that would come out. All the feelings.

Afraid of being successful and having another child. Managing two kids? Sometimes I can’t handle the one we have. All the new mom fears coming back. So. Many. Fears.


But we make the cutest babies. I don’t want to deprive the world of more cuteness.

ww :: the end is neigh!

21 Aug

Write Your Obituary.

Um, let’s start with a few disclaimers. Death is the one thing that scares the absolute shit out of me. Like I am in full-blown panic mode just thinking about it. I will sometimes work myself into a frenzy in the middle of the night thinking about it and not be able to sleep. Not just mine, I think about loved ones too and freak. I’m sure I should be seeking professional help for this. But ain’t nobody got time for that. [confession: I have been waiting to put that in a blog post. Finally did it!]

Also, I don’t make it a habit to read obituaries either. I’m not my sister. So I’m not 100% sure how they go. So I’m winging this.

Jennifer H passed away this last Thursday. She was best known for holding the record for being the world’s oldest person for over twenty years. She will be remembered for crossing everything off her Bucket List, even though she hated that term. We will miss her vast knowledge of useless trivia, love of books and reading, and her spirit of service.  She is survived by her four children, many grandchildren, and many many great-grandchildren. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation in Jennifer’s honor to your local animal shelter or favorite charity.

I feel like I really made myself look great here. Oh well. How often do you see an obit that talks about how much of a jerk that person was? Exactly.

Okay, now I’m going to go read what everyone else wrote!


Whatever Wednesday link up with Shay and Alissa.

that foggy feeling

15 Aug

Sometimes I feel a fog of depression. Lately it has taken the form of a slow creepy funk that washes over me. And then sticks around like a cloud. Sometimes for a couple of days. Sometimes longer. Have you ever tried to explain to someone [who has never experienced it] something intangible? Indescribable? It is frustrating. Especially since you know all they want to do is help you. They want to understand, but they can’t. And it makes it that much harder. Alone, but not.

It’s not sadness. It almost doesn’t feel like depression, in the usual sense. It feels like I’m not myself. And I don’t like it.

And it will pass. And I will be me again.

:: This post has been brought to you by my every other night insomnia ::

heartbreak hotel

17 Jul

This week’s prompt: talk about your biggest heartbreak.

I have already written about two of my biggest heartbreaks. The ones that still have the power to reduce me to a pile of tears if I let them. Losing my grandparents and losing my first baby.

So in the spirit of new material, I’m going to write a little bit about my mother in law, Rose.


fun christmas picture

I only knew her for a few short years, which I’m pissed about. She was awesome and I would have loved to know her better. You guys, I hit the jackpot when it comes to in-laws. Caring, supportive, helpful, generous, fun. Rose was so welcoming of me from the start. Which was a relief, because moms are protective of their boys. But I was fully accepted right away.

Rose passed away two years ago after battling cancer. And it was a battle. She was in remission for a while, but cancer is a bastard.

I’m sad that she was taken from us so soon. I’m sad my husband lost a parent at such a young age. I’m sad that she never got to partake in our pregnancy joy, just the loss. I’m sad she never got to spoil Avery. I’m so so sad that Avery won’t be able to have a loving wonderful relationship with all four of her grandparents, like I did.

We are all grateful for the time we got to spend with her and the memories we have. But I am heartbroken at the fact that something will always be missing in our lives.

We miss you so much, Rose.

Cancer sucks.


Whatever Wednesday link up with Shay and Alissa.

basilica block party

13 Jul


We are very spoiled with the music scene her in the Twin Cities. We get most major artists when they go on tour. And we have a ton of great venues for smaller artists, too. But my favorite concert every year id the Basilica Block Party. This two night concert is held every summer. This was my third time (I think) going. I love it because there are 3 stages and at least 4 artists I want to see every year. Plus it is held at the Basilica of St Mary. A beautiful church in Minneapolis. I love old churches.


I’m not the best photographer, but you can see, it’s a pretty church.

Friday night was our chosen night. Mostly because Jeremy and I both wanted to see Matt Nathanson. I have seen him in concert once before at First Ave. But this was the first time Jeremy would be seeing him. Friday night also had another big concert in the city. Kenny Chesney was playing at Target Field. About 1.1 miles away, if you ask Google. Which I did. That is a lot of people in a small area. This is what our drive in looked like.


lots ‘o cars

The radio even told people not to expect public transit/the lightrail to get them into the city any faster. Yikes.

But we made it! And Jeremy didn’t get too road rage-y. Double win!

First stop (after the beer tent and the fried pickle stand) was Mayer Hawthorne. He opened up the main stage. I’ll be honest, all his songs seemed to sound similar. Which was fine by me, because I liked it. Kinda groovy and funky. Thumbs up.


Mayer and his band.

I have a theory that touring bands go through a summer boot camp to prepare them for playing in 90* heat with long sleeves. Because you aren’t a legit musician unless you can do that, I guess. Meanwhile I was sweating just standing there. sigh. Just another reason I will never be a rock star…


pic of us between sets

After that we headed over to the smaller Church Stage. This is where most of the people we wanted to see were playing.

First there was ZZ Ward. She was pretty great. I only knew the one song of hers they play on the radio, which she opened with. But I liked all her songs. Very talented.


extra rock points if you wear a big hat.

Here’s where things get dicey for me. After ZZ was Matt Nathanson. The crowd had been steadily growing. I had been messaging with a friend telling him where we were in the crowd. Center-ish and about 15 feet from the stage. Awesome, right? He was like, nope. Can’t even get there. Way too crowded. So I look around and, yep. Packed. Important side note: I’m claustrophobic. But in specific situations. A perfect storm of criteria needs to happen. [crowds in which I can not see a clear path out, crowds in which I have absolutely zero personal space, crowds in warm climates in which I have no fresh air to breathe] Which I noticed at that moment had taken place. So I started to freak the hell out. Internally. At first. I was trying to keep my breathing calm and not look behind me to see all the people. And not look to my sides to see all the people. I really wanted to see Matt. And I really didn’t want to ruin it for Jeremy. Keep focusing on breathing.

So he came out and played. The crowd went nuts! And squished in more. And I was done. I got this picture!


see? super close!

And then Jeremy and I made a hasty exit. If any of you were one of the hundred or so people we plowed through to make our escape, I apologize a hundred times. But I was done. I couldn’t even look up from the ground without getting light-headed.

We made our way to a grassy spot where I sat hyperventilating and crying until Jeremy came back with some water for me. I felt like such an idiot! Then he had to help me get my breath back. At least we could still hear the concert…

During that time Brian Oake and Keri Noble, my favorite morning show deejays walked by. Right next to us. But I couldn’t even ask for a picture because I was coming down from a panic attack. Awesome.

Also, I think this was the most crowded I have seen the Church Stage. A couple of years ago we saw Spoon on that stage. There were a lot of people, but I totally still had personal space. Why were people so pushy this time? I blame the annoying teenage boys.

Can I just say, once again, that my husband deserves some sort of medal or official commendation for putting up with me. I had to go and ruin a perfectly lovely evening and he wasn’t even mad at me. I would have been mad at me. Saint.

Anywho, that was my Friday night. How was yours? : )

P.S. I’ll be better for Bruno on Sunday. We have actual seats for that.

a lot happens in ten years

13 Feb

Sometimes I complain a lot. But I know how blessed I am.  I have the best husband ever. I have the cutest baby girl ever. And I love my family. A ton.

I am lucky enough that I got to know and make memories with all four of my grandparents. I know that is a huge blessing that not everyone experiences (my daughter included). I’m also lucky because my Grandma Pat is still kicking it and will be turning 80 (!) next month.

[I wanted to put a picture here. I can’t figure out why it won’t load right. Maybe because I scanned it in at work. Or because I’m a noob blogger. Both? Anyways, imagine a picture of my grandpa holding an adorable baby version of myself.]

My Grandpa Dick died 10 years ago today. I think it’s safe to say he and my Grandma Barb were the glue that held our family together.

I have a very fuzzy memory of my childhood. Let’s be honest, I have a fuzzy memory of last year. It’s a problem. But I wanted to write about him before the memories got any fuzzier.

He taught me that family comes first and if you can help someone who needs it, DO IT. He was also so supportive of my dreams. When I wanted to be a writer (that seems so funny now!) he would read my stories and tell me how good they were. When I wanted to be a fashion designer (hahaha) he gave me paper and colored pencils. And boy, was he proud of his grand-kids! He bragged about us every chance he got! In elementary school I drew/colored a picture that was featured in an art fair. I thought it was good, but being a perfectionist in most areas of my life, I didn’t like the picture all that much. I found all the flaws. After the show that picture lived on the wall at my grandparents house. It is now one of my favorite possessions. Just because they loved it. He helped cultivate my love of the outdoors, camping, state parks, nature, the whole bit. He helped me earn many junior ranger badges.

What really got me thinking about my grandpa recently is my husband, Jeremy. He plays bass in a Christian pop rock band. His band played at a youth conference a couple of weekends ago. Avery and I went to watch them play on Saturday night. They played some worship songs that I remember from my days in First Light. I tried singing along. And it took about 3 words into the song before I became a mess of tears. This happens every time I try to sing worship songs in church. Every. Time. The last few years before my grandpa died, he “found God.” And he credited me with helping with that. Every time I would come visit he would tell me about the church he and my grandma attended and the people they were meeting and the songs. He loved the songs. He bought so many cds! And he would play me his favorites during my visits. It was so amazing to see him that happy. But now, ever since I’ve been going to church on a more regular basis, I can’t get through singing a song without crying. A huge, heavy wave of Grandpa’s presence floods me. I think it may be his spirit rushing to me to sing along. But it is so powerful and overwhelming, I just lose it.

And then, that night after the concert, I started thinking about all the things Grandpa would have loved about Jeremy. Grandpa would have, without a doubt, been the band’s hugest fan! Grandpa was a scout leader. I remember playing with the collection of compasses he would use for orienteering. And I knew what that word meant when I was little. Impressive, right? Jeremy is an eagle scout (do I capitalize that?). Now that I’m thinking about this I have a theory. Just humor me here. My grandparents moved when I was in junior high. They moved to the city Jeremy grew up in. A pretty small town. What if (remember, just go with it) Grandpa met Jeremy in passing. Or saw him working on some scout project at some point. And thought to himself what a fine, upstanding young man he was (because Jeremy is awesome). And then Grandpa thought that he was the kind of guy his granddaughter should marry someday. Maybe after he died he helped set it up that Jeremy and I should meet. That’s all I’ll give him credit for. I had to work hard after Jeremy and I met. 🙂  Sometimes it’s fun to let your imagination get away from you. But how awesome would it be if this was the case!

And then I got to thinking about what Grandpa is doing in Heaven now. How he spends his time. I’m sure he has made a ton of friends. I bet he and Grandma hang out with Jeremy’s mom all the time. I know that if they had met here on Earth, they would have been fast friends. I bet in Heaven they have a weekly game of cards. And the three of them are with our first baby. Watching out for him/her until the day where we are all together. They are the best guardian angels.

I’m sure I will write more about all my family members I love so much along my blogging journey. They are all wonderful and have great stories.


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